I love the sun. I love  the warmth of it on my face. I love the way it gives me a less pale color and how the Vitamin D provides me a better outlook on life in general. I also know that too much of the sun can be damaging. I know that, while it has so many positives, the negatives can be easily matched. 

It really is like so many things in life. It can be beneficial, and  incredibly harmful. Simultaneously, two complete opposites working in the same place, at the exact same time.

This is my life. 

My sister-in-law is having a baby. Holding this beautiful baby boy soon…joy. Grace would’ve loved this baby, he would’ve been all she talked about…sadness.

Our school play was a couple of weeks ago. Evelyn did a great job, I was so proud…joy. Grace would’ve been helping anywhere she could’ve. She loved the school plays…sadness.

Another holiday awaits me tomorrow. I will, no doubt, receive some love from my beautiful Evelyn…joy. Grace would’ve pressed her forehead to mine, our noses touching, as she told me I was her favorite mommy…sadness.

I live in this constant state of polarity. Always trying to thank God for what I’ve been given, while constantly missing what I’ve lost.

Can I just say, it’s exhausting. I’m tired. 

Some say the second year is more difficult than the first. I’m not sure it’s more difficult, necessarily, but it’s more permanent. Finality courses through your thoughts, it undercuts your reality. This is real, this is forever. You no longer stand and wonder whose life you’re living, you know it’s yours, you know it every minute of every day.

Did I already say it’s tiring?

Isaiah 40:31 – “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.”

If I know one thing for sure, it’s hope. 

Hope for a better tomorrow. 

Hope that one day this won’t sting as much.

Hope in eternity.

Hope in salvation.

Hope, like an anchor for my soul, firm and secure (Hebrews 6:19)

Hope that the sun will shine again tomorrow…and hope that I won’t get too burned.